Why can't I hear any clapping?

As we're all painfully aware, making music videos is an inexact science; you can line up a great director with a hot idea that on paper is perfectly synergetic with the marketing campaign and the artist's depraved vision, pencil Ra to light it, talk to Mohammed about Allah grading it in Spirit 1, and it still doesn't mean shit - sometimes you just deliver a video that the label hates more than colorectal cancer.

Only a handful of people in the world truly understand the horror of an offline presentation to the label that goes badly. They're called video commissioners. The room goes silent. Even the most garrulous marketing manager shuts the fuck up. Nobody looks at you. "I'll play it again" you say optimistically. A few people mumble and walk out half way through. The cocky street team assistant, who you loathe - jumped up little cunt - damns you with faint praise: "I really like the make-up in the wides". Your MD watches aghast, shaking his head, fuming, close to tears, and at the end, after a beat, he quietly passes his verdict, "it doesn't even go with the song".

Last week you were lauded as some kind of prodigy. This week even the drones on the I.T Helpdesk are talking shit about you. Hold tight home slice. I know things look bad right now, but they're about to get easier because here's the In Your Face guide to dealing with delivering a video that the label hate.


First things first: don't panic. I've heard of commissioners crying in offline showings. Don't cry baby. Don't even well up. And resist the temptation to stave in the A&R man's fleshy, inane, blubber face. Go to your happy place. This is where you can finally draw on all the years of therapy, all your visits to the guru in Varanasi. What was that incantation again? Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata. And breathe. You cool? I'm cool.

The next objective is to get the fuck out of the room as quickly as possible. In the face of a barrage of arbitrary, backward, inarticulate critiques say things like "that's a really interesting viewpoint, although I don't necessarily agree" and "I think that's perhaps something we can address in the edit" and "we're obviously looking at a compressed picture - once we've onlined it'll look much better". Calmly bring the meeting to a close and, with all the aplomb you can muster, walk out like the OG you know you are. If you're feeling bold, you could even try a Stevie Williams crotch grab:



OK. You've bought yourself some breathing space. At this juncture it's important to remember that just because the label detests the video doesn't mean that it's shit. There are countless examples of label hated videos that have gone on to win MVA, MTV, MVPA or D&AD awards, garnered billions of youtube hits and generated reams of drooling articles in the press. But you need to be honest with yourself. Find a quiet room and with your coldest, most objective Stephen Hawking eye watch the video a few times. If it really is a stone cold turkey then I'm afraid you're just gonna have to take the beats. However, if the video has even a few redeeming qualities then you can front it out. The following simple survival techniques will ease your pain faster than a line of Lemsip.

Lie low for a few days. While the great offline debate is raging you need to be as far away from the office as possible. Out like Swayze. Go and see that rep who you've been blanking for the past year - even if they are based in Pinner. Pretend to be at a telecine. No one at a label knows what the fuck a telecine is. So how are they gonna know that one doesn't last for 3 days? Exactly. This is your time now. Obviously the purpose of being out of the office is to avoid your prowling, lurking MD who wants nothing more than to have a heart to heart with you, to begin the gruesome post-mortem, to find out where the video went wrong, and to discuss what measures can be instituted to ensure that it doesn't happen again. Long. Long. Long. You need this about as much as a punch in the face.


Right. You've successfully dodged your boss, styled it through a tortuous offline approval process, and finally delivered the video. We now enter the next phase. Although it's counter-intuitive, you're gonna have to spend some time with the TV promotions department. Buy them a Bakewell tart. Make them tea. Compliment them on what a great job they do under exacting circumstances. Because a few good TV adds are going to make everybody feel a whole lot better about the video. Who cares that no one watches videos on telly anymore. Record company executives don't know this. And if your video goes straight on the Box playlist while the latest Kasabian opus only gets spot plays, let everyone know. What? Who said this was a popularity contest? You need to take care of bizzo. And if that means turning the misfortune of others to your advantage, so be it.

There's also this new website called Youtube that you might want to look at. (Yes, despite all that PRS prattle, you can still find videos on Youtube - especially on artists' channels.) Even if your video's taking a battering in the comments section, you can usually find a couple of lonely crackheads who just "Luuuv the vid... LOL... so cool :)". Cunts. But you need these cunts. Compile a few of the comments into an email and send an update to your MD. "The video's getting a great reaction online". Don't be afraid to make these up if you need to bolster your case as most record company executives don't actually know how to turn the tinternets on. Make sure you use the 'Statistics & Data' section too. This will normally throw up some apocryphal honour for your video. '#53 - Top Favourited (This Month) - Music'. Safe. Before you know it people will think they've got a bona fide interweb phenomenon on their hands.

By now about 10 days will have elapsed. The heat's beginning to subside. Thanks to your initiative, the general feeling around the video will have improved. But you can't let up - it's important to cover all angles. And to achieve this you're gonna have to blame someone else. There's always a fall guy. You just need to find your Lee Majors. Invite the artist's marketing manager into your office and say you need to talk to them confidentially. Act poignant and weepy: "You know, I haven't told anyone else this, but the director was actually drunk when he arrived on set. It was awful". Now tell everyone in the office the same thing, including the work experience guy in the post room. Of course the label will never work with that director again, but fuck it - what you gonna do?

After 2 weeks your MD will have already moved onto 'The Next Big Thing', you'll be working on another single, the previous video will feel like a lifetime ago, and by following these guidelines you should still have a job. Remember, it's only videos. No one died.