I'm gonna come straight out with it: why does no one bribe video commissioners anymore? Or more specifically why has no one tried to bribe me? I've been at Atlantic for nearly 5 years now and granted I've been taken for some nice lunches, I've enjoyed some cocktails and a few decent bottles of wine at Christmas, but in that time I haven't been offered a single bribe. What the fuck is that? Not even a sniff of a kickback. Not a whisper of an enticement. Nothing. In 5 years. This has probably been the most surprising aspect of my career to date. And we all know it used to go on. The tales of 'soaping' are legion. Back in the early 90s bikes laden with brown envelopes spilt out of Ganton Street like mimes out of Milli Vanilli's lips. Then suddenly a collective spirit of probity seemed to grip the industry, leaving bribery out in the cold, a sordid taboo, the subject of nervous reminiscences in Soho boozers.
Well in these troubled economic times I think it's high time that we rehabilitated the notion of allurement and returned corruption to its rightful place in mainstream media. So here is the In Your Face Guide To Bribing Video Commissioners.
The first big question is: how much should a bribe to secure a video be? I've thought about this alot and I think that 5% of the proposed video budget is a fair amount. This is after all what most freelance reps charge. So let's just cut them out and make the whole process more efficient.
Secondly: how should you go about suborning the commission of a video? If you're stupid enough to solicit a commissioner in writing then the chances are that a wannabe McNulty in the Serious Fraud Office has already thrown your ass in prison for some other transgression.
But if you're smart you'll arrange by telephone, at short notice, a meeting in a busy, neutral venue where you're unlikely to run into any of your peers. McDonalds is perfect. Once you've finished your Filet 'o' Fish' you can comfortably negotiate and finalize the deal.
It is worth noting at this stage that the proposal needs to be realistic. For instance there's no point in trying to buy a Little Boots video for JT. Who the fuck's gonna believe that. It's gonna look well moody. Commonsense has to prevail.
Ok. The deal's closed. You've done a funky Masonic handshake on it and slipped out of the Golden Arches unnoticed. Now it's up to the commissioner to use all their accumulated Black Magick and Jedi mind power to convince the label, artist and management to make the shit happen.
However, a commissioner will occasionally encounter an artist or MD so intransigent that there's just no reasoning with them. They pull all their usual stunts and yet the big dogs still don't buy it: 'But they're the only director available. Everyone else is busy' or 'I know the idea sounds shit, but you've got to think about how they'd execute it'. If it goes down like this you just have to let bygones be bygones. You all tried, but it didn't work out. Move on.
In the end though, commissioners usually find some means of getting their way, which brings us to the next step. The job's confirmed, Business Affairs are drafting the contract: what happens now? Here's my suggestion. Once the commissioner receives a counter signed copy of the contract they should expect to get the agreed monies in no more than 24 hours. Failure to deliver within this timeframe should be punished severely - in other words, expect some goons to come round your office and visit violence upon you and your associates.
Sorry to sound all road, but it's important to remember that this is crime. There are risks and consequences. Deal with it.
We arrive now at arguably the most important part: the actual payment. As we all know 'cash moves everything around us'. Bribery is no exception. It goes without saying that it's in both parties best interests to avoid any BACS or CHAPS payments. And to all the shady, liquidity crippled peeps out there - leave your bouncy, rubber cheque books at home. Unfortunately there's no way around it. You're gonna have to come up with the dollars.
Having said that, 'gifts' which are equivalent in value to the amount of the bribe are permissible. From time to time we all need a new Rolex or a set of monogrammed Louis Vuitton valises. But please agree this in advance with the commissioner in order to avoid disappointment.
Finally, this is a good time to throw another ethical spanner in the works: some commissioners may want to be paid in drugs. This is completely within your discretion. The commissioner's insistence upon this will depend entirely on the level of their addiction. Crack and cocaine will be the most common requests - I doubt you'll get too many poeple asking for 2 grands worth of weed.
The best advice is only do what's comfortable and bear in mind that the penalties for trafficking large quantities of narcotics are pretty stiff.
Anyhow that's it. Happy hunting. Remember if you get busted deny everything. If someone takes you to court get all Bill Clinton on it and perjure your face off.
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