Neighbourhood Ghostbuster

That's it man. We're ghost for 08. It's been real. Let's do it again in 09. We may no longer have jobs, but nobody can ever take away our blogs.

Playing us out for the last time this year is ODB, drunk on Yo MTV Raps.

Peace.

Raggo

I found this link on the Palace Waywards site the other day. Could this section represent the pinnacle of raggo steez? As it says on their blog: 'Darren Harper - he can definitely link a draw in his ends'.

Speaking of raggo, last week In Your Face conducted some detailed research into YouTube tagging. As we all know, in this day and age YouTube 'hits' talk. And in order to wring out every last precious 'hit' from a video your tagging needs to be on point. Otherwise how's anyone gonna find your shit when they search?

We started by studying one of our own videos. Here are the tags for Alesha Dixon's new jam 'Breathe Slow'.

Alesha, Dixon, Alicia, Breathe, Slow, New, Video, Single, Brand, The, Show, Tracks, Album, Boy, Does, Nothing, Strictly, Pop

Average. Nice inclusion of 'Alicia' - a really common misspelling of her name. But why tag the word 'The'? Definite and indefinite articles aren't gonna improve your search-ability.

We were then curious to see how one of the biggest videos of the year was tagged. So obviously we looked at Blackout Crew's 'Put A Donk On It'.

The, Blackout, Crew, Black, Out, Put, Donk, On, It, AATW, Clubland, TV, Itunes, Download, MP3, Now

Disappointing. Really disappointing. I would have expected more from All Around The World. If this tagging was graffiti it would be the equivalent of Alex Funtzi lining a DIET throw-up in Gunnersbury Park when I was 14, and then having to hide in the toilets everyday after school for 6 months because he was so scared of getting beats. Toy.

Finally we wanted to know how a powerhouse like universal do it, so we analyzed James Morrison's 'Broken Strings' video.

James, Morrison, Ft, Nelly, Furtado, Broken, Strings, Official, Video, Rihanna, Rehab, Justin, Timberlake, Timbaland, T.I, Katy, Perry, Pink, So, What, The, Killers, Katharine, Idol, Xfactor, Lady, Gaga, Britney, Spears, Womanizer, Xtina, Christina, Aguilera, Keeps, Getting, Better, Kanye, West, Simple, Plan, Canada, Ottawa, Hot, Cold, Polydor, Girls, Aloud, Sugababes, Kaiser, Madonna, Alternative, Pop, Blues, Rock, Soul, Indie, Folk, Acoustic, Guitar

R to the A to the G to the G to the O. Universal win hands down for the most ghetto, opportunistic, thugged out tagging around. If this was graffiti it'd be TOX going all city, running amok, battering trains with a need to vandalize like a crackhead needs rocks. Ugly. Beautiful. Relentless.


As a matter of interest why has no one released a song called 'Porn'? Even if you tagged it like a retard, you'd still get bare hits.

Next week, In Your Face will be taking an in depth look at Fizz TV.

Truth Tube

Next week Theo from YouTube is coming into our office to do a presentation. They have developed some new reporting tools that will help us further understand the behavioural patterns of YouTube users. The most significant of these will be able to tell us at what point viewers switch off our videos. Or to put it more bluntly, exactly at what point our videos get boring. The initial findings are interesting. Imagine that the horizontal flatline of an electrocardiogram represents viewer interest.


Then imagine that this flatline runs alongside your video from the start. The line stays nice and flat for the first 30 seconds. No electrical activity. Viewer interest is steady and high. You hit 52 seconds. Oh shit. The line plummets into a deep dark trough. What the fuck happened? Everyone switched off your boring video, that's what happened. According to YouTube statistics, 52 seconds into a video is the average point at which viewers are liable to turn off if their interest starts to wane. That's the 'Danger Time' (DT).

Back to our electrocardiogram. At 2 minutes 38 seconds the line triumphantly shoots back up; that is apparently the average point that viewers skip forward to. And if they like what they're seeing, they'll wind back to 1 minute 43 seconds on average and watch until the end.

So what have we learnt?

Basically make sure that something 'good' happens in your video at 52 seconds and at 2 minutes 38 seconds. Write it into your treatments. Tell your editor. Tell the fucking DOP. And no one cares about your visual poem in homage to Tarkovsky. They want boobies. And dancing robots. And fighting. And Ketamine trips. Viewer interest is key. We want a nice flatline throughout the video. No drop off. Every video has to be a 'Flatline Banger' (FB).

Statistically Geo Da Silva's 'Do It Like A Truck' is the least boring video ever made. It is a paradigm for how videos should be in this new era of 'Flatline Bangers'.



Atlantic is currently developing 'Flatline Banger' software to replace the now obsolete Harding Test. Moving foward all videos will have to pass a rigorous FB analysis before they are finally delivered. We don't care if someone has an epileptic fit while watching - we just don't want them to turn off.

Said It's Too Late To Apologize

Some of you may recall that a few weeks ago we ran a post about Gordon Kenney, the actor who had a cameo role as a TV presenter in the James Blunt 'Love Love Love' video.


Well Gordon found the blog. And posted a comment.

It turns out that we may have been a bit too hasty to judge. Unbeknownst to us, Gordon actually went all 'My Left Foot' for the role and stayed in character even when the cameras weren't rolling.

I have transcribed his comment in full:

Hi!

I'm the actor who appeared as the Disc Jockey/Presenter in James latest video! ('Love, Love, Love')

I would like you to know that as an actor I prepared myself in the Green Room and decided that my character (The Presenter) was an egomaniac, bordering on megalomania with the self delusion that he was some kind of a lothario!

As an actor I sustained this character throughout the shoot!

My mischievous use of the word "Darkie", which is now I think a redundant word, comes from the fact that I have spent the last two years researching, writing & composing a Musical - profumothemusical.co.uk

This as you know was a global political scandal in 1963 that eventually brought down the Tory "MacMillan" government & still resonates today having changed the public perception of our political landscape forever!

You will also know that this was a derogatory term used to describe the West-Indian "economic slaves" of this period for whom I have great sympathy! I never intended to cause any offence by what I thought was a harmless reference that my character would have said in the 60's on what I mistakenly thought was a private & secluded film set!

Oh! the irony here is that I did actually appear in the T.V. Series "In Sickness & In Health" (This series written by the great Johnny Speight who helped to break down the racist barriers of the time by making the viewers question their own prejudice!) And to add another footnote, I played a porno-shop manager! I hope you can share this response with Tim Nash for whom I have nothing but the utmost respect!

And finally, here's DJ Ironik wishing you all a happy christmas exclusively on In Your Face TV.


Real Christmas from inyourfaceTV on Vimeo.

Flipmode or What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas

It's 5.00am in one of the casino bars at the Mandalay Bay Hotel. Neil Gordon, from Big Balls Films, and I are drinking Heineken, Captain 'n' coke and Patron - mostly at the same time. The beautiful African American hooker that was sitting behind us has just left with the short Mexican guy with the Hitler moustache. It's two and a half hours since we wrapped on the Alesha Dixon video shoot, and approximately one hour since we left directors Max and Dania at the Planet Hollywood casino. Producer Phil Barnes had just thrown the last of their chips on black at the roulette wheel. It landed red. Home time for them.

Neil and I get talking to a young brother and sister from Oregon State. They're drunk. The brother wears the signature slug-like goatee on his chin so beloved of American teenagers. The sister's face is red and blotchy. She's been crying. But she instantly takes a shine to Neil. 'You talk funny' she says as she strokes his hair. Neil runs through his repetoire of comedy English accents. They laugh enthusiastically. He then shows them his Big Balls Films business card. The brother spits his drink: 'No way man. My construction company's called Balls Deep Construction'. Two kindred spirits from other sides of the planet united by a shared sense of humour. It's a beautiful, tender moment, pregnant with erotic possibility.

Neil has to go and pack. His plane is leaving in an hour. He asks the sister if she'd like to come with him to the lift. 'You're really cute, but I'm engaged' she says.

It's 8.00am. I stand in the shower for half an hour trying to sober up before I have to meet Alesha in the lobby. I eat my last Vicodin and some sudafed. The next two tortuous hours are spent talking to Alesha about her album midweeks while trying not to seem drunk.

At 11.00am a distressed Neil calls. He's been rolled at the airport. He put his camera bag down for a second while ordering a coffee and some crackhead made off with it. Piff puff poof. We've lost all the b-roll rushes and all the stills. Luckily I documented the entire shoot on my Flip camera, which comes with inbuilt editing software. Basically you load your selects into a computer and press the Movie Mega Mix button and the program automatically edits your footage.

So here it is. In Your Face TV proudly presents the Alesha Dixon 'Breathe Slow' offical 'making of':


Breathe Slow 'the OFFICIAL making of from inyourfaceTV on Vimeo.

While waiting for our flight connection in LAX, Alesha decides that she wants to go to the nearby Marriott hotel to find a swimming pool to sit by. We eventually locate it on the second floor terrace. It's been drained. As Raymond Chandler said, 'there's nothing emptier than an empty swimming pool'.

Di Wig

Di profile, a wha da gal fool man a wid
Di wig
The latest style we a lik

When General Levy first hiccuped these lines on Dance Energy in 1992, I had no idea how significant they would become for me. I now know. Putting a female solo artist on screen is the hardest work I've known - harder than when I temped at Manpower. On Friday I fly to Las Vegas with Alesha Dixon to shoot the video for her forthcoming single 'Breathe Slow'. So far I've attended 4 wardrobe meetings, 2 hat fittings, 2 choreography rehearsals, 1 nail session and today we have a hair 'trial'. This is the most important part of the process. This is when we fit the Lace Front Weave.


Yeah I hadn't heard of one either until a week ago. If the weave is wrong you might as well pack your bags and go home. If you fuck this up your artist's gonna look like, in the words of the General, a 'picky head'.

And getting the right wig is only the first hurdle. Fitting it is a whole other story. If you glue it too much, it's gonna look like this:


Glue it too little and it might start to slip, leaving you with that authentic bald head eagle, cracky look:


So you have to ask yourself one simple question: what's it worth to get it right?

For some people (including Gwen Stefani) the answer is celebrity hair stylist Danilo. He is apparently the world's leading exponent of the Lace Front Weave. I looked into his availabilty for the Alesha video and was told that his fee is 14 thousand dollars a day. Really.

Sweet Jesus. Give me the wig and some Copy Dex and I'll stick it on. How hard can it be?

New Era plus Campari equals

Idiot.


I just want to take a moment to explain the Campari thing. It has long been recongnized by connoisseurs that Campari is the best drink in the world.

However, that obviously wasn't enough for the CEO of Campari. In classic hubristic fashion he wanted to extend the reach of the brand - he wanted the world.

So he paid a bunch of money for a bottle to be featured in the video for Atlantic's biggest single of the year - T.I's 'Live Your Life'. I'm not joking. At the end of the video, while in 'The Club', T.I. lovingly handles a bottle of Campari for about 10 seconds.

And now kids think Campari is the new Patron. But they've been given no real indication of how you're supposed to drink it. The video certainly doesn't tell you. How fucking irresponsible is that? Kids are probably rolling into the Stratford Rex trying to drink it with Coca Cola or mango juice or some shit.

Unless you handle Campari right it's gonna taste like medicine. So kids - here's an exclusive In Your Face guide to drinking Campari.

In my opinion you've got two options if you're gonna fuck with Campari.

First up: the Negroni (one part gin, one part sweet vermouth, and one part Campari, mixed in an ice filled shaker, garnished with burnt orange). If it doesn't look like this, send it back:


Be careful though. You drop two of these and it's gonna be drunk time. And if you let drunky get on top of you, you're gonna embarrass yourself. It's the alcoholic equivalent of being made to do P.E. in your pants because you forgot your kit.

Second up: the Venetian Spritz (two fingers of dry white wine, ideally a little prosecco, one finger of Campari, a splash of mineral water, and a little slice of lemon to top it off).


This one's for all my civilized, romance loving homies. Girls drink this like it's water and it makes them feel nice. If you can't afford the Easy Jet flight to Venice, you could always try drinking it by the Limehouse Canal in Hackney.

So remember kids - enjoy and respect Campari like a lover and try not to puke on the night bus home.

New Era

On a historic day during which the people of America ushered in a new era of hope and change, New Era in London sent us a product package. Heavy.

They hooked up Stitchthat Bob too. Aaron in our digital department brokered the deal and Samantha Fogden at New Era came through with the 59Fifties - seven and a quarter of course. Very nice of them and very appreciated.

Speaking of New Era, anyone see Dizzee on Newsnight last night? Go to 50mins 30 secs and feel his wisdom.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00frmj1/Newsnight_05112008/

Free product is one of the bedrocks of life. One of my favourite memories is of all the Zoo York pros bum rushing Union Square and selling all their product for hydro and hubba within minutes. That was in '94 when life was better, Chad Muska was still skating, and people were doing these:

Away Day

Last Thursday the entire Atlantic Marketing department was taken off site for a day to a luxurious hotel in Richmond. The objective was simple - we were all there to discover 'who we really were as our authentic selves'.

The seminar was hosted by Dr. Michael Chopich, a former Scientologist who, as a senior Thetan, had relinquished his power to communicate with aliens and started his own self-awareness cult called 'Inner Bonding'. He is pictured below seated at the bottom left of the photograph.


In his introductory address Dr. Chopich told us the following:

'You are all multidimensional spiritual masters living a human life. And your spiritual awakening is the most exciting journey you can undertake in your life'.

The first exercise was designed to break down inhibitions and establish trust within the group. We were divided into pairs and encouraged to lick each other's faces.


The next task challenged our ability to deal with humiliation and bullying. A member of the group was picked at random and forced to wear a 'He Man' wig. The rest of us then taunted him with laughter and tea drinking.


Immediately after lunch we were once again divided into pairs. The focus was now on dispelling negative energy and aligning our chakras. One team member was asked to read a passage from the Upanishads while the other had to hold a giant crystal and through intense concentration channel the 'brow' chakra, thereby awakening the 'pineal eye'. This was probably the least successful of the exercises.


We ended the day with a strange dinner and Gin drinking competition.


As we made our way home the concensus was that we'd all grown as people.

Gordon Kenney

At the behest of the loonies that run Atlantic, we had to film an intro sequence for the James Blunt video that we shot a couple of weeks ago. Kinga was busy shooting Will Young so Ollie Evans stepped into the fray to deputize.

The concept was to cast a 70s Top Of The Pops style presenter to introduce the video.

We chose this fella - Gordon Kenney:

While on set Gordon was only too happy to give us a few insights into his life. He lives in Hainault. He is married to a young Russian woman. He hasn't worked for 2 years as he's been busy writing a musical - a project into which he's ploughed most of his savings.

Gordon still has an eye for the ladies as our 2 models soon found out. 'Don't be scared girls. Just pretend I'm attractive'.

At one point he said:

'I wish I had a voice like - what was his name? Big darkie. What was his name? Barry White'.

You have to feel for Gordon, stuck in an anachronistic Bravo TV world where Alf Garnett's 'In Sickness And In Health' plays continuously and it's still acceptable to call back people 'darkies'.

A few years ago another actor cornered me on set and started telling me about his impending divorce. The problems began when his forskin unexpectedly calcified. The resulting surgery deprived him of 3 inches of penile length and left him with a deep seated fear of sexual intercourse. He fell back on booze and beta blockers for his nerves. Eventually his stupour made him abusive and his wife turfed him out.

As a local cab driver said to me recently, 'everything is everything Tim, I'm telling you'.

Concepts

Sometimes, when I've been listening to Nick Ferrari's breakfast show on LBC, I get so pumped that I need a can of the Doctor to unwind. This was the case yesterday when I arrived on set for the video shoot for The Days' forthcoming single 'No Ties'.

Diamond Dogs from HSI were directing; Ben Sullivan produced it; and Will Bex (B.S.C) put the lights up.

The Days are a four piece band from Devon that were signed to Atlantic a couple of years ago. In that time they've been put through a horrendous pop boot-camp. They've been touring schools, hospitals, Butlins and old people's homes relentlessly for the last year. We even made them do media training with Andi Peters, an experience that left Tim from the band with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (He later confided in me that he still suffers from occasional bouts of bed-wetting as a result.)

The first thing Andi told them was 'Always sit on your hands when you're being interviewed - it'll stop you fidgeting'. Alright Andi. Just keep your hands where we can see them.

We shot the video on Red Cam. If you've ever used this piece of shit, you'll have seen the following on the monitor alot over the course of the day:

And when it isn't 'initializing', this piece of shit is 'powering down', normally just as you're about to turn over. All I'm saying is, don't believe the hype.

Here's a picture of Ollie Dog on set wearing an antique Varangian helmet:

And here's a detail from the Dogs' storyboard. I never did find the other board so I'm not really sure how the end of the video's gonna pan out.

Anyhow, that's it. Time for a glass of Campari.

High energy jack rabbit fuckin wannabe big-time small-time

Bob Harlow. Stitchthat. After black hammers.

Today we're gonna take a few moments to celebrate the work that Bob has made over the past few weeks.

First up, delivered only a few hours ago, and already clocking 50 views a minute on youth tube, is Bob's latest viral for Wiley's 'Cash In My Pocket' (taken from his forthcoming album). Produced by Mark Ronson and featuring Daniel Merriweather, it's a straight up kredit krunch anthem. The video includes an angry cameo from a young looking Robert Downey Junior that Bob filmed on Wall Street over the weekend.



Secondly we have Bob's homage to the 'Fully Flared' kredit sequence. Shot at Meanwhile last week, it features the whole Stitchthat pro team - Martyn, Tim, James - and is heavy.



Finally, here's Bob's video for the Rifles' new single 'The Great Escape', commissioned by Claire Stubbs and produced by 'Doom' Thomas. This one's got a kid on a bike in it and was made with kredit cards and many un-VAT registered favours.



Get it while it's hot.

New CADS, aka Hurty part dos

So the 2008 UK Music Video Awards took place on Tuesday night. It was jokes. Adam Buxton is officially made out of funny. And David Knight and his team deserve a big hi-five for pulling it all together.

Sometimes I find it easier to describe things in song. In this instance these words from R Kelly's 'Ignition (remix)' seem appropriate:

Then after the show its the (after party)
And after the party its the (hotel lobby)
And round about four you gotta (clear the lobby)
Then take it to the room and freak somebody

That's pretty much how it was, except the 'hotel lobby' was actually the street outside the Orchid club, where we stood around for about half an hour, and 'the room' was in fact Academy's offices.

The In Your Face paparazzi team were on hand all night to capture these exclusive and totally random photographs.

Here's a picture of Luke Taylor from Big Balls dancing. If I had to write a caption for this it would be: 'Yeah I'm drunk. What the fuck are you gonna do about it'.


Here are producer Juliette Larthe and actress Maryam L'Ange adding some glamour to the proceedings.


Below you can see editor Jim Wright and art director Tiddaz congratulating themselves on what a wicked job they both did on Blackout Crew's 'Put A Donk On It' video. And on the right is Draw Pictures director David Allain showing off his flawless complexion.


Finally here's Chris Massey from Academy looking a little in need of a jaw massage; and Emile from Between The Eyes just about to pass the Courvoisier. Not sure who my man in the middle is though.


Yesterday, at around lunchtime, I eventually got a mini cab boss boss into work. Snow Patrol's 'Chasing Cars' came on the radio. Racked by paranoia and come-down self-loathing, I started to weep, gently at first, and then uncontrollably, proving that music has lost none of its power to move you to your core.

Young Money

Say what you want about James Blunt, but don't say that he isn't a consumate professional. Here he is on the set of the video for his forthcoming single 'Love Love Love', holding director Kinga Burza's cat.


That's what I'm talking about. Dude, hold this cat and sing. No problem. Ok, time to shoot your close up. Fine. You don't need to give him an eyeline because his eyeline is always the same - straight down the barrel of the lens and into the hearts of millions. Do we need to watch that take back? No. Palm it. Why? Because he's landed it. You know it's going to be tighter than an Antwuan Dixon tre flip.



And here's the reason: whether it's shooting a video on his only day off in four months or doing 18 hours of european promo straight, whatever James has to get up and do is better than being holed up in a tank in Kosovo drinking his own wee wee.

Hurty

This is what it feels like to be a video commissioner in 2008. Long. But that's why they invented Vicodin: to take the pain away and make you feel nice.

Wikipedia lists the following as possible side effects of Vicodin:

'Clammy skin, severe weakness, hyperventilation, unconsciousness, jaundice, unusual fatigue, constipation, dry mouth, nausea, decreased appetite, muscle twitches, sweating, hot flushes, decreased urination, and decreased sex drive.'

But everyone knows that Vicodin doesn't do that shit to you. Working at a major record label takes care of it just fine - which reminds me, I need to make another appointment with my GP.

Does he boom boom?

So we shot the video for Alesha Dixon's forthcoming single 'The Boy Does Nothing' yesterday. Michael Gracey at Partizan directed it; Ashley Wallen choreographed the shit out of it; and Paul Weston produced it.

Here's an out of focus snap of Michael on set kind of glowing like the 'Ready Brek' kid:



We were lucky enough to shoot on 35mm. For me there's no better sound than a 400 foot mag of dirty five whirring through the camera as you shoot yet another full run through. It really reminds me of my other favourite hobby - burning money.

Here's a picture of some short ends that we threw away just because we could.



And here's art director Sam Tidman, aka Tiddaz, paying homage to Daniel Wolfe and sporting Wu Wear. PLO style.



Don't even bother coming on set with me unless you're wearing a Wu Tang T-shirt. They should make that a rule at the MVPA. What the fuck happened to the MVPA anyway? Did they ever get round to writing that contract?

Also, some of you may not be aware of the fact that Tiddaz art directed Blackout Crew's 'Put A Donk On It' video. He reckons it was the best moment of his career. Their brief to him was: 'Make it look like Dr Dre's studio'.

Beautiful

Today I was horrified to discover that Ironik and Danielle Lloyd are actually going out with each other. I was under the impression that it was just a sordid PR ploy concocted by us to generate a bit of tabloid interest in him. But no. It's real. She's met his mum and everything.

Here's what Ironik has to say about it:

'When I first met her it made my pee pee feel funny, you know like when you're a kid and you're on a swing. I like her. When we first kissed, I nearly did a sex wee.'

Horse Nonce

I'm currently in the process of commissioning a video for James Blunt's next single, 'Love Love Love'. I had some scripts in yesterday. A couple were good. And then I got one in today that changed things. Here's the opening paragraph:

‘James is walking across a landscape with a small sack and a guitar and comes across a horse. He stops for a moment and he and the horse exchange looks. He walks on and the horse follows. James lowers his wares and goes to the horse, strokes it and sings. He runs his hands over its glossy skin and looks closely into its eyes. The horse rolls around on the ground playfully then bends its front legs beckoning James to climb onto its back. James rides the horse bareback into a sequence of movements that depict a physical bond between the two bodies, a spirited union of motion. They come to a stop. James gets off the horse. The horse walks away.’

And this is one of the pictures that accompanied the treatment:

It's hard to know what to say.

The second biggest Tim in the game

Here's a snap of Westwood on the set of the Wiley 'Summertime' TVC that we shot yesterday. Bob Harlow was in charge. The marketing concept is as follows: Timmy is doing the weather forecast; he predicts that a high-pressure front will build in Bow E3, move through 'north weezy', and then spread sunshine across the country in time for the single release in October. The strap line is 'the hottest single since records began'.

I'm not sure if Wiley knows anything about this development in the campaign, but he did say this on the RWD mag forum today:

'I walk out of labels cos they are so stupid'.

Funny.

2 ov ma fav songs 2gether makes it better

We're steadily getting warm blog love from all quarters. Ash L'Ange, co-proprietor of London's hottest gallery, Herald Street, drew our attention to this over the weekend. In true entrepreneurial fashion DJ Greebo has Put A Donk on Ironik's 'Stay With Me' riddim. To date nearly 150 thousand children have watched this.



If you want to email DJ Greebo to congratulate him on his efforts you can reach him on:

djgreebo@hotmail.com

In other Ironik news, I can confirm that the next single is going to be 'Tiny Dancer', featuring and sampling Elton John. Yes it is as good as it sounds. We're currently embroiled in byzantine negotiations with Verne Troyer's agent in the hope that he'll appear in the video as, quite literally, a tiny dancer. Apparently all we need to do is fill a suite at the Chateau Marmont with hookers and he'll do it.

The Ironik album also contains the following lyrics:

'A lot of people say it but don't really mean it
I didn't used to but now I really feel it
And wanna take you nice places like... Egypt'

And the video for 'Stay With Me' is nominated for Best Video at the Urban Music Awards.

Finally check out Herald Street's website here. Prices vary.

http://www.heraldst.com/

This girl is proper preety

Here's some funny shit that I found out about this morning. Channel U won't play JT's Ironik video for 'I Wanna Be Your Man' because they think it's too gay. And I don't disagree with them.

So they're shooting their own video for it today in their Lever Street studio, using the Bless Beats remix, featuring Tinchey and Ghetts. Big.

I was lucky enough to read the treatment earlier. And I've transcribed it below in full.

I Wanna Be Your Man
Ironik feat. Tinchey Strider & Ghetto

The video will be shot in a studio behind a black background with multiple single tube lights. The theme will be basic with a love interest being courted by our three Mc's behind different coloured wall paper. The hook and chorus will have coverage of street dancers free-styling, and our lead video girl posing like a diva and looking seductive. The video will be editing to the music and very bouncy with use of unique camera angles.

A note to all young and aspiring video directors: this is what treatments should actually be like. Forget what your rep's telling you. Print this out, carry it around with you and learn it off by heart. Repeat it to yourself like a mantra. Because this is MD proof. MDs don't have time to read more than this. They're late for a meeting and the group chairman just balled them out because the over-the-counter sales are a million units less than the forecast. They just want to know what they're getting.

Here's a picture of the girl playing the love interest. She's called Charlotte:

Again this is something that MDs can understand.

And here's some old footage of Ghetts killing it on Tim&BarryTV:

Oh shit!

I found this on the Slam City Skates website yesterday. I know. It's confusing at first, but I think I've worked out what's going on here.

It's Friday evening on West Central Street. The Academy Video Department are tired. The queue to The End hasn't started yet. The local crack dealer is out of rocks. But I've got some wonkey donkey bruv. What? Ketamine. Ooh let's try it. It'll be fun. A couple of lines are insufflated. I feel funny. Me too. Dom, my hand looks really big. I can feel my bones. Laughter. Then derealization. I think I'm floating. It's nice. Yeah, let's hire an escalade. Yeah. I wanna go to Madame Tussaud's. Is it open late? Yeah. I just feel really connected. Me too. The queue isn't too long. Alogia kicks in. Ooh look at Kanye. He's so real. Can i touch him? Yeah. Let's take him. Yes let's. Pap. Pap. They get as far as the car before the lights come on and security are called.

Where's the expression of pleasure?

We've been keeping Stitchthat Bob pretty busy of late. He directed the video for the Rifles' forthcoming single 'The Great Escape' in Kingston upon Thames over the weekend. But despite his work commitments, and hectic 'woo woo' party lifestyle, he still managed to find time to send us this clip of Gou Miyagi. In case you don't notice it at first, he skates without grip tape. Shit is unbelievable. And to top it off, the final trick is intercut with rapid shots of an eldritch ceremonial drummer, dressed in a white flaxen thong, beating a chau gong. True.



Bob maintains that Kingston upon Thames is his favourite place to shoot. When I asked him why, he replied simply that 'Kingston was once a royal demesne. Ethelwulf of Wessex held council there. In Old English it literally means farmstead of the kings'.

Amazing.

High Street Ken's alive

As the evenings close in and the leaves begin to fall, as pensioners begin to die, unloved in unheated homes, while next door children draft feverish, but hopeful letters to Santa Claus, and as thoughts turn to little baby Jesus swaddled in his manger, the air sweet with the smell of frankincense, Wiley prepares to release his next single, 'Summertime'.

The radio promoters try and stay hopeful. 'Maybe it'll be an Indian summer' they say as they battle through the driving rain and climb into sodden Addison Lees, off to meet Nigel and George at the gates of hell.

Bruce, junior-senior vice president head of local-global marketing at Warners Australia, has other ideas though. On a mega conference call, involving over 2 thousand people, he predicts big things for the track. 'I really think this could be a smash over here right now. We just need to make it a little more relevent to the local demographic. You know where Will talks about 'High Street Ken'? Could we change it to say Bondi Beach?'

Anyhow, the video's done and it's a banger. It was directed by Nez at Colonel Blimp and commissioned by John Hassay and Claire Stubbs. Watch it here:



And Will's right. Ken High street is alive. The new TK Maxx has finally opened.

Driving for fun, dancing for money, killing for gold

Yo it's Ironik time again. This is JT's follow up to the airplay smash 'Stay With Me', which he himself directed a few months ago. I believe it is also his first video at his new home, Pulse Films. It was a joint commission by Hassinator and Claire.

In the wider context of the Ironik metanarrative I suppose you could call the video a pre-prequal. This is where we find out how Ironik first met his girl. In the next installment, the prequal, we'll discover why she's in hospital. (My money's on a nasty dose of the ebola virus.)

They shot for 2 days, one in London and one in Paris. Claire was on hand to pap the shit out of it on her phone. Here's a picture of Ironik busting a preppy look at a wardrobe call the night before the shoot. Extreme peace.

Here's a shaky picture of Ironik and Naomi Millbank-Smith in the back of a cab, heading to their hotel in Paris. Pap. Pap.


Yes Naomi Millbank-Smith again. As you might remember she 'starred' in the first video. Apparently she got all drunk on the Eurostar and tried to chat up a group of French cage fighters. Gutter.

Luckily Naomi's agent chaperoned her on this trip. She is classic. On 'Stay with me' Ben Cook got me to try and convince her into letting Naomi do a 'tasteful' topless shot. Here's how the negotiation went:

Me (very coyly): So do you think maybe we could get a shot of Naomi kind of wearing nothing on top, but with her back to camera, and then we hold on her for a bit, and then maybe she turns round slowly to face us, but her arm is covering her breasts? Maybe something like that?

Agent (bluntly): She won't do hand bra.

Hand bra. Hand bra. So that's what they call it. Now that i know that shit, I think I'm probably qualified to get a job at Nuts. Speaking of which, while I was in France recently, I noticed that the French version of Nuts is called Guts. Zut alors.

Can I get a Wu... part dos

Sasha Nixon, off of Partizan, very kindly sent this in from her camera phone. It's a picture of Daniel Wolfe busting another Wu-Tang T-shirt while on set with the Sugerbabes. Apparently he has a whole collection. The caption reads 'Listen To Ghostface'. If you follow these instructions you will hear words like these, which will make your life better:

'I slapbox with Jesus, lick shots at Joseph
Zoomin like binoculars, the rap blacksmith
Money's Rolex, with sparkles, Chef ragtop is spotless
I'm Iron Man no cheap cash metal I'm steel alloy
True identity hidden inside secret tabloids'

I wonder if he's got an ODB shirt?

Hoodrat stuff

While many of you were no doubt lying in vomit in Reading or standing in wee wee in Notting Hill, our brothers from Stitchthat spent bank holiday Monday sessioning a local 'homegrown' skatespot in Fleet. They edited a little film about it over night and posted it yesterday morning. You can view it here:



Ok. So Bob catches a super clean kick flip over a traffic barrier. James floats a nice backside ollie over the same thing. But Martyn. Martyn literally destroys the place. No-comply pollie. Pollie, fronside and backside revert out. Pollie over the traffic barrier. Crailslide over the little hip to Gonz crouch out. And he finishes up with a frontside 50 50 followed by a frontside 5-O out of the hip and down the grinder bar. Damn.

Martyn was with me on the Natty video last week, shooting some b-roll, and we got to reminiscing about old skate videos. His favourite is the seminal Anti Hero production 'Fucktards'. That tells you everything you need to know.

Stitchthat's new site is now up and running. Check for it here:

www.stitchthat.tv

Can I get a Wu...

Yesterday we shot the video for Natty's forthcoming single 'Bedroom Eyes' with Daniel Wolfe from Partizan. Inspired by the wisdom of Von Adams, Dan told me in the morning that he was 'Too Jewish for blogs'.

Here's a picture of him repping Staten Island's finest.



Seeing this T-shirt immediately brought the memories flooding back. I love Rae, aka Raekwon the chef, aka Lou Diamonds. Here's my favourite of his many incredible raps:

'Can't stand unofficial, wet tissue, blank bustin scud missiles
You rollin like Trump, you get your meat lumped'

Here's a picture of Natty on set about 30 seconds after returning from a 'magic walk'.



Reggae? Put a donk on it.

And here's DOP Tom Townend having a toke on his light meter.



The thing I love about Dan's shoots is that he still has wrap beers on set. I hated when they got health and safetied out of existence. After a long, hard day shooting you sometimes need a cold can of the numbers to unwind. And what happened to sparks doing rails in the back of the lighting truck? Bring back wrap beers. And gurning sparks.

Finally I want to leave you with these words of purity from Eli Porter's response to the iron mic controversy:

'And if he ever want it from me, he can prise it tonight
From my cold, dead, crippled hand, he can try if he like
I messed up, I messed up, but i stayed on top'

Thank you Dan for making me aware of these.

I'm like superman without kryptonite / Fat as hell without cellulite

After we first saw Blackout Crew's 'Bbbbounce', we spent the next 6 months trying to find out who directed it - all to no avail. Even Hassay couldn't track them down. It was a total mystery. Then, after being on leave for 2 months, I return to work and find a link to 'Put a Donk on it' in my inbox from one of my colleagues. It's open to debate, but i think that 'Donk' might be even better than 'Bbbbounce' - which is surely a shoo-in for best dance video at the inaugural 2008 UK MVAs. Finally Claire managed to locate 'Mr elusive' while perusing Andy Soup's myspace page. Andy Soup. Andy where have you been hiding? Bikini don't even have these videos on their site. Alexa's never sent out links to them. What's there to be ashamed of?

Put a donk on it. Donk. Donk. Donk.

On a sadder note, Chris Massey, off of Academy, sent me this yesterday. Apologies if you're one of the 748,385 people that have already seen it, but it made me cry. Not with laughter, just real tears. I wanna give them all a cuddle.

The Queen, Eggs and Ice Bombs

so we arrive at part three in the mystery jets trilogy 'half in love with Elizabeth' i have to say it is wicked tune. One thing about video shoots as we all know is that there can sometimes be a bit of hanging around, the thing i have discovered about the mystery jets is their ability to fall asleep at any time of the day and in any place at all. they were lucky on this shoot as there was a couch.

here's William mystery jet.




here's blaine mystery jet




here is a pic of kai & kaps ( i missed a photo op of them asleep on a bed earlier - drat.







randomly here is a picture of my friend Jim and the love interest of the video the Queen. bet she didn't know where to look with Jim's shorts.



I'll post the video when it is ready! oh yeah i almost forgot! the title of my blog - we were shooting in tower hamlets and the local youth decided it would be fun to pelt us with eggs.... OK - how many eggs can one house have? but then when they turned to chunks of ice from their undefrosted freezers! Tamsin (james's amazing producer) decided we should hit the road. just as this little hood rat ran off to get his 'bruv'
thrilling stuff.

claire xx