Last weekend the Notting Hill Carnival provided me with my annual opportunity to sod West London with wee wee. As soon as I hit Chepstow Road I found the nearest offie and played Red Stripe roulette. Two for a fiver? Are you joking? Bank holiday cuz. Mans gotta make paper. The first one tasted of gold. The second one was like flat, warm hops water mixed with urinal splash back. What the fuck's up with Red Stripe? So fickle. I switched to the numbers and headed for Powis Square and the Rampage sound system.
The MC hyped the crowd.
"Oggie oggie oggie."
"Oi oi oi."
And then he introduced Egypt who did a live PA of her big tune, 'In The Morning'. People went wild in the dance. I saw two rudeboy congas as yoots battled to get to the front. A monstrous, steroid inflated pit bull started baying. Horns blared. The police surveillance teams looked on from their rooftop Babylons. The sweet perfume of skunk weed made me feel hungry. Mmmmmm. That barbecue smells so nice. Maybe I should get some jerk. Yeah. And plantain. And maybe a Twix.
Once these prandial needs had been met, I made my way to All Saints Road to check out the CMC stage, Carnival's only pure drum and bass sound system.
It was messy. The Special Brew sun burn crew were already repping. Dusty, skeletal ravers were gurning, trying to hold whistles between their rotten teeth. Limbs flailed. Western Union bandannas flapped. And then out of the haze he emerged; a diabolical rave man-child, moulded in his father's image - an anthropomorphic nightmare.
Suddenly there were raving children everywhere.
Jesus. This isn't right man. They must be dwarfs. But they weren't. I was surrounded by a whistle posse of infants grinning hopelessly, blitzed on beans, frantically lurching back and forth on their dads' shoulders.
"Make some noise."
The nippers started screaming. This is horrible. I've got to get the fuck out of here.
I finally got back to Dalston at around midnight only to discover that Best Kebab had run out of doner meat.
As Jamal explained with a shrug:
"Bank holiday cuz."
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